Sending out lines through my dementia..

I'm sitting here trying to get inspired to leave you all something today that might make you feel just a little better. But who am I kidding; I can't really make any of you feel better about your own lives, except for the fact that you may be healthy, even though you most likely aren't a particularly happy person, nobody really is. I have it easy because I can be as pissy and bitchy as I want to be (or so I think) cuz' I'm dying faster and feeling shittier than you are right now.

Life pretty much sucks for the adult who finally has grown up and realized all life is tough and never was all that fun anyway. We delude ourselves into a false sense of reality almost every minute of our day.

Before I got this disease, I honestly steered clear of those folks that were infected.
I lost good friends because I was a total dick, but in reality, I was just a scared little bastard.
I was scared that I would get the same disease just by hanging around people that were HIV Positive.

Well, here I am, laying here typing out 'lies through my dementia' to the extent that I don’t even make sense.

Maybe it is that Karma bullshit coming around, I don't know and as I get closer to my big 'leaping off' point, I'm not in the mood to care.

Can I tell you how angry and pissed off I get at my demise? My mind races from feeling sorry for myself, but really sorry more for my body as this disease is slowly wearing it down.

I am coming out of my body and separating it from my mind/spirit more and more lately. I don't have the words to actually explain the how or why's with that statement, but rest assured its happening more and more.

Sometimes I pop out and look back at my body from my mind’s eye. I see a young man that has aged too quickly, I see a boy still trying to peer out of those worn out eyes. I see myself.